The original rant - for the amusement of the crowd
Now, up until this point I think I’ve been pretty lenient
and reserved about the ‘quirks’ of India and Indians in particular, and believe
me, here you have to be, but for the amusement of you lot and to get a taste of
the comfort-zone breakers if you are in any way considering India as a
destination (and entertain myself and stop me abusing someone), here’s a rant
that’s coming 15 hours into a 18 hour train journey, ‘sleeper class’ (read,
with the riff-raff of India), having not slept.
Just to ensure you all have a balanced view of the place. Carl Pilkington eat yer heart out!
Oh great, a guy with a massive rifle just sat down next
me. I’m actually not kidding – awesome!
Right, here goes – hopefully my gunman companion can’t read
English!
·
The
Staring – STOP F**KING STARING AT ME!!
It’s disconcerting. I’m just
sitting on a frigging train. Leave me
alone. Sadly one of the prime culprits
who actually doesn’t even look away when I look back at him is a cop who has
already busted me smoking out the train door, so I can’t do much – I didn’t
understand much of what he said, but 3000 rupee fine was definitely mentioned
(there’s no way that would happen, everyone smokes off the trains here).
·
Free
Seats – USE’EM! – this train is at least 70% empty yet in my booth of 6
people I have 3 other people sitting with me, including said gunman. Most of the other booths are empty. SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE!! FFS!!
I’d move, but I’ve got too much sh!t and I’m fed up and can’t be
bothered
·
The Snoring
– ok, this isn’t only an Indian thing, I can’t stand it from anyone being a
relatively light sleeper, but the cacophony last night was just horrendous…
hence this grumpy post.
·
The Farting
– it is NOT OK to loudly fart anytime you so desire!! It’s F**KING DISGUSTING!!! I feel like sitting on each of their laps,
one by one and letting rip. ‘Nuff said.
·
The Hoiking
– I’ve never had to write that work before and Word is telling me I’ve spelled
it wrong, but hopefully you know what I’m talking about. The sound that sounds like you’re trying to
regurgitate your own lung.
Constantly. Constantly. Constantly.
That too, is F**KING DISGUSTING!!
As it is also when you spit it an inch from my foot, or frankly,
anywhere near me.
·
The
Coughing – Now I’m no med-student, and far from the smartest nor
most-polite person in the world, on that point I’m sure we’re all aligned, but
surely it’s common-sense that if you cough in someone’s face you are spreading
germs. Again, F**KING DISGUSTING – I
DON’T WANT YOUR LURGY!!
·
No
Talking – I know you are interested in me, but at this particular moment –
I’M NOT INTERESTED IN YOU!! Don’t talk
to me! I have earphones in FFS!! And you speak 3 words English, and I speak
less Hindi. Again, LEAVE ME ALONE!!
·
No Music
– I think it’s fair to say that I have pretty wide-ranging taste in music. I like music – and some Indian music is
beautiful, but let’s face it, most of it to me is like stabbing knives in my
ears. So don’t blast your music
full-bore unless you have headphones. I
don’t want to hear your SH!T music!
·
Don’t
Sing – As above, I like music, and this should apply to all human beings in
my opinion –people have different talents.
Some people are astonishing cooks, some are mind-blowing artists,
awe-inspiring athletes, and some voices could bring you to tears. More often than not it’s not in a good way –
if you can’t sing – DON’T!! There are
other ways to enjoy music without inflicting headaches on other people.
·
The
Rubbish – you have a surprisingly and outstandingly beautiful country – how
the F**K to you not understand that by throwing your rubbish wherever you are
finished with it you are killing it?!
Ok, that’s enough now, that was somewhat therapeutic, but
given I still have 2 weeks left here I don’t want to let this go too far! Staring out the window and taking a deep
breath I still can’t stop being amazed by the beauty of this country – it honestly
is stunning. Focus on the positive…
focus on the positive… focus on the positive…
Shanti Shanti
xxxx
2 hours later
Okay, I’m going to post this for comedic value, but I want to make clear it was a moment of weakness, and not how I really feel – at least not 95% of the time. But it is testament to the fact that travelling India is tough, and anyone considering it should be a aware that it’s not for the faint-hearted – but it’s also incredibly rewarding and an absolutely amazing place, and I am very fortunate to be here.
No, I have not have a drink, I am still on the train although hopefully with less than an hour to go. Anyway, it’s probably about time I work out when to get off, as much as I’m back to happy and calm I’d HATE to overshoot my mark and end up here longer than I need to be! 18 hours is long enough!
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